What I learned from Introverts

Different Answers for Different People + Pausing

I spent my free time primarily interacting with introverts over the past six months. The time spent observing and learning from introverts dramatically increased my happiness and wellbeing. I wanted to share some communication tips for extroverts that may have been in my shoes six months ago.

What is an introvert? Introverts are people that recharge by being alone exclusively. I am an extrovert which means that I recharge by being around other people. This article is about a high level concept necessary to build friendships with introverts from the perspective of an extrovert.

Different Answers for Different People

Introverts are more likely to give answers of different lengths to the same question. The answer received will vary based on the level of trust the person and the environment provides. I know this because I made rooms specifically for introverts in my spare time on clubhouse (a social audio app). I asked introverts why their answers were so short relative to the extroverts. Some introverts told me it is because they give different answers depending on trust level.

The idea that previous introverts I interacted with did not trust me sufficiently to give me longer answer made rethink my communication patterns. The answer I give as an extrovert is generally the same answer at the same duration. I observe similar patterns among other extroverts.

An answer with a mean of two minutes might have a standard deviation of +/- 15 seconds or so. Extrovert answers resemble something similar to a normal curve. Answers to topics from introverts are more likely to resemble a multimodal distribution. There is an answer meant to end the conversation and then there are other answers depending on how much the speaker trusts the person asking the question.

Conceptually introvert answers look something more like this:

High Trust - Answer Duration = x

Medium Trust - Answer Duration = x/2

Low Trust - Answer Duration = x/100

The three levels of trust are set at high, medium and low as a simplification. It might just be a bimodal distribution with one answer meant to end the conversation (for low trust scenarios) and another answer representing a response that is revealed once a critical mass of trust has been accumulated. I use x/100 to represent answer duration as a representation of the ‘Low Trust’ answer intentionally. It is not meant to be precise. It is intended to represent the magnitude of scale associated with answer duration relative to the ‘Medium Trust’ and “High Trust’ answer durations.

On the nature of trust with introverts - it is important to be cognizant that trust thresholds come from multiple factors. It is a gross mistake to interpret it is as the trust between the person posing the question and the recipient of the question. Also of critical importance is the trust provided by the environment.

Environmental factors refer to other people that can hear the answer. Introverts might trust the person asking the question but still give a ‘Low Trust’ response if there are parties in the room the introvert does not trust. It is critical to keep in mind that for some introverts give responses based on the least trusted person in the space.

This leads to a simple conclusion. The most efficient way to communicate with some introverts is a one on one conversation. Each additional party reduces the probability of open answers if you want a deeper conversation. This is a nuance that is critical for extroverts looking to make friends with introverts. Each person you add to a social setting involving an introvert can potentially cause a highly engaging conversation to become a boring one with one word answers.

How else can you ensure that early conversations are productive with introverts as an extrovert?

Pause longer before speaking

Many introverts prefer to think about what they want to say before speaking. They prefer not to speak unless they have a fully formulated thought. Extroverts are more likely to think out loud. Engaging an introvert in conversation thus becomes an exercise in knowing when to pause and for how long.

The pauses do not have to be long. An extra second or two of silence before speaking is often enough. If in doubt, feel free to use the phrase: “Would you like to think a little longer before responding? I’m interested in what you have to say and can wait.”

What if there are other people around? After all, you can’t ensure that just because you are pausing - that other people won’t interject. The solution to this is simple. Have a one on one conversation or change the group setting into a one on one conversation. You can either choose the audience or you can choose a conversation of depth with the introvert. The choice is yours.