What I learned from Introverts: INTJ Wisdom

Two of the best decisions I made over the past half year are associated with INTJs. The first was to befriend INTJs. The second was to adapt INTJ socialization strategies into my communications repertoire. The first part of this article is about the circumstances in which I made my first INTJ friends. The second part of this article is about social strategies that I employ that were adapted from INTJs that I observed.

Initial circumstances of befriending INTJs

My primarily communication pattern with friends was to send proposals for times and locations over text messages until a consensus was found. Historically, I did not text other than to schedule. I didn’t do phone calls or video chats outside of work.

It was November 2020. I did not go to Tulum. I did not go to Miami. I was an extrovert in LA and everything was shutdown. On a whim, I downloaded a social audio app called clubhouse. The app lacked the micro expressions and body language I relied upon to understand people.

So I started taking notes to attempt to balance out the lack of data I usually had. One of the first things I started taking notes on was everyone’s Myers Briggs type. If you are unsure what type you are, I suggest using this site: https://jung.test.typologycentral.com/

Most of the people I spoke with on clubhouse were extroverts of different types. Here and there, I made a few friends that were INTJs. I did not seek out INTJs intentionally initially. There were very few of them and they only spoke in smaller rooms. Despite their lack of numbers, positive trends about INTJ started to clearly emerge.

Extroverts on clubhouse have the equivalent of a low CAC (customer acquisition cost) and a high churn rate in marketing terms. If I didn’t speak with an extrovert regularly - the friendships would effectively degrade to the level of a friendly acquaintance within a month. On the other hand, introverts have a high CAC and low churn.

INTJs on clubhouse had among the highest CACs of any cohort in terms of relationship building. They were hard to find. Even when you found them, they didn’t necessarily like you. Like cats, they decide whether or not they like you early on and it’s pretty much out of your hands if you encounter them again.

The low churn rate was a positive but the most interesting thing to me was how well adjusted the INTJs were relative to other cohorts. They were either neutral or happy and had very little drama attached to them. I also wanted to be happy and have little drama around me - so I started observing the INTJs more intently.

The Wisdom of INTJs

My friend Jaime Cohen is the best communicator I know and has this to say about conversation in my notes from December 2020.

The goal of conversation is not to convince people but have them hear you. This helps people to understand what the truth is even though it is subjective.

In spaces with too many people speaking simultaneously, people don’t hear each other as clearly. This leads to a situation where they don’t understand each other. Concurrently, this leads to a greater disconnect from the truth in conversations.

In terms of social strategies, I observed that INTJs primarily spoke in spaces with less speakers. This ensured that they are more likely to be heard. Here’s a quote from another INTJ friend:

I don’t bother bother going on a stage with more than nine people. What’s the point? I won’t actually get a chance to speak.

The context of this quote is a response to me asking my friend why didn’t come up to the speaking area when invited. This is despite my awareness of this individual’s interest in the topic.

This quote made me think about what trade offs I was making unknowingly. How many people did I like that I was losing because I had too many people around me? Not just in clubhouse but in real life environments. The wisdom here is simple. Make sure you curate environments where your closest friends feel heard. Otherwise you are just creating environments with random noise.

While most people made open rooms for the purpose of audience development. I noticed INTJs went the other direction. INTJs on clubhouse were the first cohorts I observed that used closed rooms on clubhouse for non-flirting purposes. Closed rooms at the time were rooms you couldn’t see unless invited. Open rooms are exactly what they sound like.

The benefit of a closed social spaces serves multiple purposes. If offers a safe space for people to open up without being concerned about unknown listeners appearing. More importantly, it offers an environment where friends can communicate transparently. A friend might tell you something one on one or in the presence of another close friend. But they might not in a open setting - especially if they are conflict and drama adverse. After all, what if someone they don’t trust overhears the conversation and gets them sucked into drama?

It is one thing to ask someone to be direct to you - it’s another to invite drama into their lives. That’s asking too much, but that’s what many extroverts are asking of their introvert friends. The presence of too many people degrades the trust and transparency of the conversational setting. As an extrovert, I was predisposed to an attitude of the more the merrier for most of my life. That was my mistake. As a result, I think I missed out on a lot of valuable feedback from some of my closest friends. I have happily since rectified this mistake and I am significantly happier because of it.

If you have any INTJ friends - please introduce them to me.