What I learned from Introverts: INFJ Wisdom

INFJ Wisdom Part One: Nuances of the INFJ Door Slam

INFJs represent the largest cohort of friends I made the past year (around 40%). The beauty of being friends with an INFJ is that you never need to explain to an INFJ why you stopped spending time with a toxic person. INFJs are likely to identify and cut toxic people out way earlier than you did (without you even realizing it). INFJs are experts at setting boundaries. This article is about some things I learned about INFJs and their filtering / boundary setting process. You’ll learn how to improve your life with filtering / boundary setting process despite not being an INFJ.

INFJ: Observing without Engaging

Many INFJs have a natural mental accounting process in which the positive and negative behaviors of people around them are “recorded.” This happens naturally and does not require much mental energy from the INFJ. Unless a behavior is viewed as egregious, INFJs will often observe and not comment about their observations.

INFJs can often be found among extroverts in social settings. Unlike extroverts, INFJs may not articulate their displeasure for minor negative behaviors they observe in others unless they are asked. Even still, they might avoid articulating their grievances.

An INFJ’s lack of vocalization is often mistaken for acceptance of certain behaviors. They do not vocalize their displeasure to avoid engaging in unnecessary conflict with no positive outcomes. Silence does not equate to acceptance. However, silence does allow an INFJ to not get caught up in a conflict which would deplete their energy reserves. INFJs are capable of blending into extroverted environments as chameleons but it is highly draining for them to do so.

INFJ: Setting Boundaries

INFJs are great at setting personal boundaries. The “INFJ door slam” is an example of the behavior that allows INFJ to set boundaries more effectively than any other personality type. It is also a highly misunderstood behavior. The INFJ door slam is typically characterized as a behavior in which an INFJ cuts someone out of their life unexpectedly.

However, the INFJ door slam is a completely rational decision based on extensive data. It is viewed as unexpected because the majority of people in the world cut people out of their lives for negative outlier events. INFJ minds are wired a little different. They cut people out for negative patterns of behavior even if they are “minor.”

That’s why the “INFJ door slam” is often misunderstood. The magnitude of the negative behaviors may be subtle but they are recorded in the INFJ’s mind. It is the consistency of the negative behavior which leads to the “INFJ door slam.” The magnitude of the last negative behavior may be small but it represents a persistent pattern. It is the pattern which leads to INFJs cutting people out of their lives for seemingly small things.

What most people don’t recognize is that the “INFJ door slam” is highly connected to why INFJs are so likable by so many people in the first place. They are likable because they are experts at regulating their mood in a positive manner. INFJs are able to maintain a positive mood because A) they remove people with problematic patterns that might ruin their mood B) they don’t engage in unnecessary conflict with problematic people (which typically never leads to any positive behavioral changes anyway).

People change only if they want to change, not because external parties exert pressure for them to do so. The delusion of fixing people and the lack of that delusion among the majority of INFJs is why they are happier and consequently more likable.

How to be happy like an INFJ?

One of the difficulties of emulating INFJ happiness patterns is that most Myers Briggs types simply are not as good at A) reading people B) maintaining a catalogue of behaviors associated with all the people they meet with precision. This is a puzzle I have spent a lot of time contemplating.

My best INFJ emulation strategy is deconstruction of the INFJ filtering process.

INFJs are among the best at reading people and environments. I can’t read people as well and you probably can’t either unless you are also an INFJ. In fact, I am often deceived by people with a combination of high EQs and IQs based on misjudgments on positive first impressions.

My deconstruction of the INFJ filtering process is as follows:

1) Subdue positive first impressions you have of other people. Instead focus on what they are trying to portray about themselves. Not because you believe their narrative but so you can benchmark their preferred narrative about themselves with reality.

2) Benchmark what people are trying to portray with words and compare it to their actions. Pay attention to any variance between words and actions. If in doubt, the actions are the truth and the words are the act of deception.

3) Pay attention to your happiness level before and after you meet people. Thinkers like myself often are not as good at reading people as Feelers. However, you can still recognize changes in your mood. If someone’s existence leads to a consistent decline in your happiness - it probably means it’s someone you need to remove from your life. Even if you are not quite sure why. You don’t need to read people as well as an INFJ - all you need to recognize is the output and act accordingly.

4) Observe if any people that increase your happiness leave environments when other people enter the environment. I surround myself with INFJs. They won’t speak ill of other people. But if I start seeing INFJs leave because of the presence of someone, I know who the problem is in a social environment.

Are you an INFJ?

If you are INFJ specifically - let me know and I’d love to be your friend. I will never complain or question if you initiate an INFJ door slam on someone unlike other people. I will listen to you though if you want someone to hear you out without judgement. Simply send me a DM specifying that you are an INFJ. I’ll pay for coffee if we ever meet up.